The 'how to' Guide to Female Orgasm
‘It is about the journey and not the destination, you should enjoy the process and not be fixated on the end goal of having an orgasm’ is something you’ve probably heard over and over again. Although there is so much truth to the statement, you might still want to get to that destination and sink into its pleasure because let’s be honest, orgasms are pretty amazing!
But how do you get there? And why is it so damn hard at times?
I’ll start by saying IT’S NOT YOU IT’S THEM. We live in a world where female pleasure is at the bottom of the list of priorities- Sadly. Society’s definition of what sex is mostly based on men’s pleasure, not factoring in the needs of the female anatomy. When most people are asked to define sex, the common answers you’ll get revolve around penetration, minimizing the act to object A going into slot B. This is problematic considering many women find they cannot climax during penile-vaginal sex. As a matter of fact, according to the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, only 18.4% of women report that intercourse alone is sufficient to orgasm; while 81.6% of women don’t orgasm from intercourse alone (without additional clitoral stimulation).
Despite science and statistics, most romantic movies and porn portray sex as a few minutes of penetration and then BOOM, fireworks! Where both the man and woman are panting after the intense orgasms, they both seemed to experience- at the same time of course. This common portrayal and narrative about arousal and orgasm has little to do with reality, especially for women, leaving many feeling inadequate and/or broken.
Now that you know penetration is probably not your best route to orgasm, here’s what you can do:
1. Get to know your body and how it likes to receive pleasure.
Understanding your unique sexual wiring is like discovering your own map to arousal. This includes the types of touch your body responds positively to; could be a light hovering touch, a sensual stroke, or a rough spanking. Maybe your body likes to be massaged and caressed for a while before any sexual activity takes place or maybe you like to jump right into it. Are you into role play, does the idea of psychological games with control and surrender turn you on? What about dirty talking? Teasing?
Understanding your body is key because once you have the awareness you can finally figure out how to feed yourself sexually.
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate!
I cannot stress this one enough! Talking about sex and communicating your needs with your partner is key to intimacy and pleasure. However, talking about sex is far from easy for many and it does not come naturally despite how comfortable your partner makes you feel. Some are afraid of hurting their partner's feelings while others are just embarrassed and ashamed of going into detail of what they really want and crave.
The good news is, communicating your sexual needs is a skill that you can learn, regardless of how uncomfortable it may seem. And why do that? because talking openly about sex with your partner is a fundamental pillar of a healthy and satisfying sex life.
3.Work on your eliminating things that are getting in the way of pleasure.
In her book ‘Come as you are” Dr Emily Nagoski explains the brain’s sexual ‘accelator’ and ‘brakes’. The accelerator responds to sexual stimuli associated with arousal, i.e. the things that turn you on. The brakes on the other hand send a signal to your brain that indicates this is not a good time to be turned on, i.e. the things that turn you off. The activation of sexual brakes in the brain can be very useful when you are faced by potential threats that could range from not being in a safe space, to unwanted pregnancies or STIs. But at other times, it could be activated by thoughts of feeling unattractive naked, concerns about the kids walking in or worries about not having enough time to meet a deadline.
It is so important to recognize and eliminate the things that activate your brakes so you are able to sink into your body and access pleasure. The stimuli that activate the brain’s brakes differ from one person to another. Examples include, scheduling sex after the kids have gone to sleep, tidying up the room and finishing off chores beforehand, addressing body image issues, resolving relationship problems etc. As mentioned, the key step here is awareness, you first have you recognize ‘your turn offs’ so you are able to work on eliminating them.
4. Give the clitoris the attention it deserves.
Your clitoris’ only purpose is to experience pleasure! And yet it’s hardly ever talked about or included in sex education. The clitoris is made up of the same erectile tissue as a penis, it expands and engorges with blood when aroused. Yes, you get erections too! however since most of the organ is internal, you only see a small portion of it.
You can stimulate the external part of your clitoris by gently rubbing it with your fingers, palm or your partner’s tongue (back and forth or circular motion). You can also use a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris and other parts of your vulva. Clitoral stimulation can be included as part of foreplay and during penetration as well, using your hand, your partner’s hand/ body part or a sex toy. Make sure to use some lube as research has shown that lube can make it easier to reach orgasm by at least 50%. And yes, lube can and should be used for clitoral simulation and not just for vaginal penetration.
Remember women need more time to climax, so be patient and take all the time you need.
5. Take your whole body on a ride, not just your genitals.
Your body’s capacity to experience pleasure is incredible. The body consists of a number of erogenous zones. These are sensitive touch points such as breasts/nipples, lips, ears, inner thigh, neck etc. that trigger sexual feelings when stimulated.
These zones differ from one person to another so I encourage you to explore and find the zones that work for you. Once you’ve nailed that down make sure to include it in your sexual play whether solo or with a partner.
6. Optimize your overall health and wellness.
Your sexual health is part of your overall health. Your ability to experience pleasure is directly correlated to your overall wellness. Addressing all aspects of your health is key to optimizing your sexual vitality.
The ‘Tapped In Being’ is a wellness framework that I have developed to address the 5 aspects your being (Physical, Emotional, Mental, Sexual, and Spiritual) that you need to cater to to achieve holistic wellness.
Taking care of yourself can look like eating the right food, exercising, managing your thoughts, creating a growth mindset, healing past wounds, eliminating limiting beliefs, meditating, cultivating intimacy and connection, building community, serving a higher etc. happiness and health are contagious, once you work on one aspect of your being, the affects start to spillover to other parts of your life.
That being said, there is no one size fits all approach when it comes to getting an orgasm. Self-discovery/ awareness is your best pathway to pleasure and personal development. I encourage you to take the time to truly get know yourself in a deep and intimate way.
Your sexuality is a fundamental part of who you are, it’s time you shed some light on an integral part of your being.
